HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi hi hi im alive and here and actually writing a journal entry.

I'm in great need to get out my frustrations and feelings because those who I live with ie mom and dad arent really picking up on my utter unhappniess.

I am so lonely. I have never in my whole life felt this extreme longing for someone who I'm not with. Every Sunday, or Monday, when he goes back to Santa Barbara I feel completely alone and stuck. I go through the week hating school and only looking forward to the moment when I can see him again. And then the weekends go by so fast - all of a sudden it's Sunday again, and I'm crying for hours. Dreading the week in front of me. Each day and each class seems so long and pointless and I have NO MOTIVATION. School sucks - I swear to God I'm sctually thinkning (and I never thought I would say this) but I kind am thinkning that Berklee was better. I don't think it was a mistake that I left - it was the decision that I made because I was stuck there - all comsumed by the wickedness of one and the feeling of not learning. Now I'm here, lonely most of the time. I don't live in a dorm, or a friendly apartment like the BF where there were people around, instead parents go to bed at 10 and then I'm stuck up until midnight feeling lonely. I'm so SAD im just crying i dont even want to do work. Thing is that if Greg were here, and we were living together again, I would love life. I would find everything fun again like I did last year. I would ever like school and I would have motivation to wake up everyday............................................................................................... I can't even feel stupid about this stupird journal entry because I'm so depressed. We've been doing this for a month and I have no idea how I'm gonna do it continuously this year. I feel worthless and useless and so incomplete without the person that I love. I have to stop I have to call Nikki because I don't want her to think that I don't think of her and I have to call Cayman and wish here a happy belated birthday. I have toooooooooooooooo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VERONICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You better be WASTED and watching Project Runway!

Thinkin' of you!

I GOT INTO UCLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BITCHES!

My Essentials:

I never write.

This is me writing.

I've recently been thinking, quite frequently in fact, about past relationships (if that wasn't a Carrie beginning then I dunno what is). Does anyone else find it completely bizarre that there are people who we know so well, spend so much time with, possibly get to know inside and out, and then all of a sudden we wake up one day, and we don't know them anymore?

I knew him. I knew what he was thinking all the time. We thought we were in love. We truly believed that we were utterly and totally in love. We would lie together for hours and just bask in the pounds of love that we had for each other. We shared the important coming-of-age experience that so many teenagers like us shared. I hurt him so much and I know that he didn't get over it for a long long time. We walked around the town, in this new place, with new people, and loved that we were trying it all out together. I thought about him constantly, and I knew he was thinking about me at the very same moment. He was my other.
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And now he is no longer in my life at all. He is merely a facebook page, that sometimes when I'm feeling sentimental about that place that I left so confidently, I visit, and like a freak ex-girlfriend I read your profile, and your comments, and look at your pictures, and try to get a feel for how you live these days, now that we are no longer connected in any way. I've turned from and other, into a person, into a memory, me to you and you to me. Sometimes I look at the pictures you have with those you've been with since me, your new others, and I can't help but make comparisons. I look at the pictures and read the comments, spotted with "love yous!" and "lol muahs" and even though it makes me sick to my stomach to think that you were once mine and now no longer, I realize that this is all natural. She's not prettier than me, more photogenic perhaps, but not prettier. And I know for a fact that the sex with her was not as real. You told me so yourself.
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Weird and strange, and all part of leaving things behind. It's still strange to think that we were once so much a part of each other, and now are nothing at all. I think of him sometimes, and I wonder so much if he ever, even for a second thinks of me. Are these thoughts, if they exist, filled with scorn and resentfulness? Mine are not.
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And the truth is, I have a new love, since you, and he is now what you once were. You are the same - with little differences. And I'm sure you have a love and a life, as you should. But it's still so weird to think that we were once so much ingrained in each others souls, and now are nothing.

Okay, so I thought that maybe, since I've been MIA for a long time now, I would update, and write about my life, and look at it on paper.

I got good grades. I thought my first semester back in real school would be extremely difficult, but out of five classes I got 3 B's and 2 A's. Fine with me.

I'm going to RI next weekend and I can't wait to see Nikki!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. Jamie, are you going to be in Boston this weekend? I think you should arrange it. P.P.S. Jess - you and me and nikki dinner on Saturday night.

New Years was fun for the first time in a long time. My two goals were 1. To not throw up, and 2. For my boyfriend not to sleep with somebody else like last year. I reached my goals!!!!!!!!!! Yay.

I miss those people who it seems I no longer have a friendship with. I'm not talking about Baston people, because some of THEM I know I'll always include as my friends. I'm talking about people who don't seem to want to include me in their life anymore. I don't know what to say, except that I miss them.

And no matter how stupid this sounds and no matter how much some people don't wanna hear about this shit and don't care, I need to say it:

I'm in love with a boy who looks so so good in collared shirts. I love him and it feels great.

There are good things here.

NIKKI ERSKINE I AM COMING TO RHODE ISLAND JANUARY 13 - JANUARY 18 I MUST SEE YOU! I CAN'T CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE NO WORKING CELL PHONE AND I LOST FUCKING EVERYONE'S NUMBER!

Okay I'm trying to see what my scedule will be like. Will you be in Boston? I can't even fucking remember. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

so call me at home at some point (310)455-4224. Happy Christmas!

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me (annonymous, if you must). It can be anything you want, either good or bad.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

The new Aslee Simpson CD is.............

FUCKING AMAZING!

Everyone who I know likes Ashlee (you know who you all are aka Janue among others) go and pick dat shit uuuuuuuuuuuup!